Frequently Asked Questions

It is always a difficult time when a loved one passes away. For some, showing sympathy through words and attending a memorial service captures the feelings and sympathy in an appropriate manner. For others, words simply do not have enough meaning or passion to proclaim the feelings and respect shared for the loved one. Finding a concrete way to show honor and respect for the memory of the departed is a way to promote personal healing and remembrance.

eCondolence.com has several options available to help you give something specific to offer tribute and honor for the deceased. In the SEND section of the website, there are several options, including sending flowers or a food basket, to make sure that your friend knows that you remember them and that you care.

Some people will show respect by doing something that serves as an ongoing memorial. A donation to a favorite organization or charity, an online memorial page, a listing in an online memorial wall, or planting a tree are just some of the ways that you can show sympathy to your friend.

Visiting the gravesite of a loved one expresses respect and honor for the deceased. It is a concrete way of showing – not necessarily to the deceased, but to the watching world and to yourself – that the memory of the loved one is not forgotten. It reinforces your own commitment to keeping that memory alive and vibrant in your life. There really isn’t a right or wrong answer for the number of times that one should visit.

Many traditions include customary visits to the cemetery and gravesite. Often close friends and family would attend with the grieving survivor to offer support and encouragement. It would be typical for such a visit to include some readings for comfort or some music. During the visit, one could help maintain the site by placing new flowers, cleaning around the headstone, or removing weeds.

Some traditions would also specify days when visiting the gravesite would not be appropriate. Check with an authority to clarify those customs.

If you are concerned about the amount of time you are spending at the gravesite, consider finding other meaningful activities to occupy your time and still show respect and concern for the deceased. Volunteering for a charity or organization that was meaningful to the deceased is one of many ways to honor the departed loved one.

Talking to a child about death is a very personal thing. Care should be given to speak appropriately for the age and circumstances of the child. Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, most of us are afraid – or at least hesitant – to discuss the subject with our children.

But death is a very real part of life. As such, it seems that talking about it within the safety and security of the family would be preferred over an uncontrolled conversation with people who may not have your child’s best interests at heart.

By talking in general terms about death, you can find out what your child knows and doesn’t know. We may not realize it, but most children become aware of death very early. They see it in aspects of the world. They are introduced to it through television and other forms of media. They hear about it in stories and fairy tales.

As you talk, you can give the child needed information that may be missing from their understanding. This can include feelings that your family has about death, as well as traditions that you support in your religion or culture. Talking does not answer every question or eliminate all problems, but it creates a safe environment for which the child can come and find support.

The types of emotions following this type of loss will vary based on many factors including timing and circumstances. Family history, personal experiences and relationships to an estranged father are unique and personal often resulting in varying degrees of grief. It may be difficult to understand, reconcile and cope but there are many resources to rely upon.

For most families the season of the holidays is a time for celebration and joy. But when tragedy and loss have occurred, the holidays can be a painful spotlight of the loss and emptiness that the family is experiencing. The prospect of facing the holidays without the loved one can be an intense source of stress and anxiety.

While no single set of words can normalize the feelings or fill the gap caused by the loss, there are several strategies that can be used to minimize the pain and its effects. Let people know what your wishes for the holidays are. Don’t assume that people know what you are going through. Work hard to establish new traditions so that the surviving family members can have something that can be celebratory and include you. Finally, do some charitable service activities at the holidays specifically in memory of your loved one. It will be a concrete way of honoring the memory.

Most health care professionals agree that most people go through certain steps or stages as they process grief. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief, the second of which was anger. To be honest, it might be better to think of anger as a state rather than a stage. We tend to think of a stage as a phase that leads to another phase or the end result. It would be better to see anger as a “state” during the grieving process where the circumstances or conditions of life are such that anger might easily be the response.

A good comparison occurs in the meteorological field. A tornado watch, or a severe thunderstorm watch, is issued when the conditions in the atmosphere are favorable for the production of the severe weather. Grief puts us under an “anger watch;” the circumstances of life are favorable for us to become angry.

There are times in the natural grief process for the individual to feel frustrated, trapped, and hurting. It is common to have those churning emotions surface and be directed toward someone or something. When we are in pain, we look for someone to blame. Being angry is a way of releasing energy, of protesting a loss that does not make sense or seem fair. Even though deep down one understands that anger is not logical or justified, emotions are rarely logical.

Once the individual has stopped denying that the loss has occurred, the reality of the situation begins to set in, bringing additional confusion, frustration and pain. The mind and body begin to deflect the pain, expressing it instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at an inanimate object – like punching a wall or kicking a trash can. It may be aimed at people; complete strangers, friends or family members. On occasion, the anger may in fact be aimed at the deceased loved one, emotionally distraught because they left us. We feel guilty for feeling anger, which of course only makes us feel more angry.

Families that select cremation often choose to have an accompanying service to honor the life that was lived. These services can range from a small private viewing prior to the cremation to a memorial service after the cremation, or an informal family gathering in someone’s home. Flowers are appropriate and welcome gesture at any of these events and all styles of arrangements can be incorporated. If no services have been scheduled, sending a vase bouquet, plant or container garden to the home of a friend or family member is equally appropriate. Sending a food basket or similar condolence gift to the loved one at home is also an appropriate way to express your sympathy.

We have all been in the position of trying to comfort a friend, colleague, or family member and struggle with the questions of knowing what to say, when to say it, or how to say it. eCondolence.com helps you be prepared. We have a variety of tools including articles and guides, along with many other resources that can help you determine what sympathy gifts are appropriate to send, based on the mourner’s religious and cultural beliefs.

Send a Sympathy Gift Now

Making a donation on behalf of the recently departed is a beautiful way to commemorate that person’s memory. It symbolizes the person’s legacy, long after they are gone for future generations to come. This kind of expression of sympathy is typically appreciated by all religions and cultures.

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